The Best Superstitions for Greeting 2018
With 2018 so close that you can smell on its breath exactly what was in the poké bowl it had for lunch, I thought I’d share with you, dear reader, how I’m preparing to greet the new year.
But I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my idiosyncratic health-related resolutions. Statistically, I’m bound to fail to live up to them anyway. Instead, allow me to offer up some of my favorite New Year’s Eve & Day traditions & superstitions*, the performance of which I guarantee will help you usher in 2018 the right way**.
Leave last year behind.
Want to say, “Bye, Felicia,” to the landfill of dumpster fires that was 2017? Then on New Year’s Eve, make sure you run around your house opening up every door & cupboard, screaming into each room & cubby, “Your time us up!” over and over again until you lose your voice***. The spirit of 2017 will get the message & quickly gather the baggage it accumulated over the year before quietly walking out the front door when you’re not looking because you’re on the phone assuring your neighbor Sharon that everything is indeed fine.
Want to explode your following on social media? Then on New Year’s Eve, attach to your belt a thousand strings with a coin tied at the end of each string. By walking around with such a fringe wherever you are, you will be guaranteed to get thousands more likes over the year than your poorly lit food pics actually deserve.
All you need to do to ensure that you’ll be & stay healthy (& even maybe bulk up some) in 2018 is to eat only whole chunks of raw ginger for the entirety of January 1st. If you fail to actually follow through on this one by nibbling on some crackers or whatever, then expect a lot of “You look different from your photos” at the beginning of your Tinder dates throughout the year.
This one is super easy. Want to rap like Cardi about all the money moves you make? Then make sure you 1) invest all of your assets into bitcoin around eight years ago & 2) sell off your bitcoins when their price peaks at an all-time high. Done.
Want to finally find true love this year? Then make sure that you watch Bridget Jones’ Diary on VHS (the format of the media is a MUST) at midnight because nothing says, “I love me & am ready to give love this year” like channeling the naivete of early 2001.
And even if you don’t follow any of my advice for ringing in 2018, well, I still wish you a legendary new year.
* Unlike eating black-eyed peas, these superstitions aren’t real traditions.
** I can’t actually guarantee that performing these superstitions will produce their desired results.
*** This is actually similar to some superstitions out there like yelling at midnight to ward off evil spirits.