The Best Apps for Social Media Management

Believe it or not, there’s more to social media management than simply snapping a photo of your food with your phone & posting it to one (or all) of your feeds. Managers have to consider & juggle a variety of priorities like how content looks both on its own (i.e., in terms of filters, text overlays, size, etc.) & in relation to the brand said content is supporting (Is this “on-brand” for me?), in addition to other factors such as when to post & what hashtags to use. Anyone who has ever taken scores of selfies before eventually settling on one understands that Instagram feeds don’t just happen.

In addition to barrels of coffee, I use a variety of apps to help me develop & publish the content that I think meets the client’s objectives & looks good while doing so. Here are a few that you might think about using for yourself.


Adobe Spark

Creating beautiful graphics that magically blend text & images doesn’t necessarily require a professional graphic designer. With Adobe Spark, no one has to fiddle with Photoshop to produce the attractive graphic you need. With its many different tweakable design templates, Spark basically turns any person with a phone/computer/tablet into a sort of Paul Rand or Saul Bass lite. (Of course, you should probably hire an actual graphic designer if you need something like a logo. The work’s much harder than you might think.)



If the content you’re developing is in need of some quality images that cost no money to license, then you should consider using Pixabay. Really, it costs nothing other than the time it takes to set up an account. Wow.



You can actually take the guesswork out of how your next post will look in relation to the rest of your feed by downloading & using Planoly, which shows you a preview of what your feed will look like if you were to post that gym mirror selfie. It doesn’t tell you, however, that posting such a picture would be tacky & cliched. You should already know that.



You’ve probably swiped through an Instagram slideshow that isn’t a collection of pictures your friend took on their state park hike or whatever but rather something cooler: a single panoramic image broken up into multiple yet seamless pieces. You can pull off such sorcery by getting Swipeable. Nice.



Cinemagraphs are the name given to images that have some sort of dynamic or moving element within them (like, say, a newspaper “photograph” in Harry Potter). They can be beautiful or just damn interesting when done correctly, & in reality, aren’t too difficult to pull off—that is, so long as you’re using an app like MaskArt



While not technically for social media, Signal is an encrypted messaging app everyone should be using in their everyday lives because tools that secure one’s privacy aren’t just for hackers. Why, it’s so secure that even Edward Snowden uses it. So go ahead and feel safe sending that *ahem* tasteful photo to bae knowing nobody else will intercept it.


Of course, these apps don’t mean much to anyone who isn’t strategizing about what they’re posting. Now that takes real expertise. Call me if you need it.

Your favorite SMM,

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Krissi’s predictions for 2018

If you’ve ever watched a weather report from your local meteorologist, then you know that expert* predictions are bullshit at best slightly more accurate than a chimpanzee throwing darts. Basically, anyone who says they know what’ll happen in the future is either putting on an act or actually secretly a clairvoyant. Who knows how many people are members of the latter camp, but whenever I hear a prediction, I just assume they’re in the former & go on with my day sans a raincoat. If it rains, well, I guess I’ll just stay inside.

That being said, I & every other person I know love talking about the future as if we know what’s going to happen. Eventually, either we’re right or we just explain away why we weren’t. Like horoscopes, making predictions can be an exercise in hopeful anticipation for the rest of your life. As such, allow me to share some of my predictions for the next 360 days.

In 2018, even more traditional brands will go the way of Wendy’s, & abandon all decorum & get savage with their haters. Yes, everyone from Office Depot to Depend® Adult Incontinence Products will clap back at competitors & naysayers alike on social media. Buzzfeed will cover it & you will be here for it until you realize that weird internet has been blandly appropriated for commercial ends, leaving you feeling a little dirty for stanning so much for what were at bottom sales pitches. Well, at least you weren’t trolled into deleting your account.

In 2018, we will stop caring about the conflicting data out there on the health effects of wine & just drink the damn swill because in a world already polluted with myriad carcinogenic chemicals & on the brink of environmental catastrophe brought on by anthropogenic climate change, a few sips of mama’s feel-good juice is probably the last thing that’s going to kill us.

In 2018, we will stop looking incredulously at each other every time some new ridiculous headline about the pitiful state of our politics gets published & finally come to the agreement that we should just elect better people the next time around, & every subsequent time thereafter.

In 2018, millennials will stop killing industries & start making new ones, leading our older generational cohorts scrambling to imagine new ways to tsk tsk us for [insert general behavioral patterns of younger people throughout the ages]. Or said older generational will finally get wind of who the Paul brothers are & begin criticizing Gen Z for its own tragically vacuous youth culture.

Finally, in 2018, we will all stop caring about a little less about trivial things & start returning our focus to whatever it is that should actually matter most to each of us.


Wishing you your best year to date,

*Never mind how wildly inaccurate the average person’s best guess about the future is.

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The Best Superstitions for Greeting 2018

With 2018 so close that you can smell on its breath exactly what was in the poké bowl it had for lunch, I thought I’d share with you, dear reader, how I’m preparing to greet the new year.

But I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my idiosyncratic health-related resolutions. Statistically, I’m bound to fail to live up to them anyway. Instead, allow me to offer up some of my favorite New Year’s Eve & Day traditions & superstitions*, the performance of which I guarantee will help you usher in 2018 the right way**.

Leave last year behind.

Want to say, “Bye, Felicia,” to the landfill of dumpster fires that was 2017? Then on New Year’s Eve, make sure you run around your house opening up every door & cupboard, screaming into each room & cubby, “Your time us up!” over and over again until you lose your voice***. The spirit of 2017 will get the message & quickly gather the baggage it accumulated over the year before quietly walking out the front door when you’re not looking because you’re on the phone assuring your neighbor Sharon that everything is indeed fine.

Get famous.

Want to explode your following on social media? Then on New Year’s Eve, attach to your belt a thousand strings with a coin tied at the end of each string. By walking around with such a fringe wherever you are, you will be guaranteed to get thousands more likes over the year than your poorly lit food pics actually deserve.

Get fit.

All you need to do to ensure that you’ll be & stay healthy (& even maybe bulk up some) in 2018 is to eat only whole chunks of raw ginger for the entirety of January 1st. If you fail to actually follow through on this one by nibbling on some crackers or whatever, then expect a lot of “You look different from your photos” at the beginning of your Tinder dates throughout the year.

Get rich.

This one is super easy. Want to rap like Cardi about all the money moves you make? Then make sure you 1) invest all of your assets into bitcoin around eight years ago & 2) sell off your bitcoins when their price peaks at an all-time high. Done.

Get love.

Want to finally find true love this year? Then make sure that you watch Bridget Jones’ Diary on VHS (the format of the media is a MUST) at midnight because nothing says, “I love me & am ready to give love this year” like channeling the naivete of early 2001.

And even if you don’t follow any of my advice for ringing in 2018, well, I still wish you a legendary new year.


* Unlike eating black-eyed peas, these superstitions aren’t real traditions.
** I can’t actually guarantee that performing these superstitions will produce their desired results.
*** This is actually similar to some superstitions out there like yelling at midnight to ward off evil spirits.

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Not Your Grandma’s Holiday Music

Tired of hearing the same four holiday songs blasting tinnily from mall speakers as you try to navigate crowds saturated with Uggs & Starbucks cups? Same. That’s why I’m sharing some of my favorite seasonal music that you probably won’t find on any of the playlists guaranteed to include that one song, which purportedly earns its author at least half a million dollars a year.

So if you’re ready to get more lit than your average , look up the tracks on your preferred streaming service & bliss out to your own winter wonderland wherein “Trans-Siberian Orchestra” is just a silly-sounding string of words & no one grumbles at you for celebrating Jesus’ birthday as if it were a secular holiday.

“Carol of the Bells” by Pentatonix

You’ve probably heard versions of this Ukrainian folk song featuring children chanting a capella like a coven at a sacrificial bonfire. That being said, Pentatonix’s take on the song that could easily be mistaken for a funeral march if you didn’t heed the lyrics is less spine-chilling than it is toe-tapping, nay, lit.

“8 Days of Christmas” by Destiny’s Child

I’m sorry, Bing Crosby, but your version of “White Christmas” is the kind of ditty one puts on when trying to lull a baby to sleep. The thing is, I want to TURN UP for my Christmas festivities. Enter Beyonce et al. You might offend some Scrooges in your life with this tune, but don’t let others dampen your extra af holiday cheer.

“Last Christmas” by Carly Rae Jepsen

Remember that one 28-year-old who got famous for swooning about her passive-aggressive display of interest in a guy? Well, you should, considering that her previous two albums have contained some of the most perfectly composed“gorgeous” pop tunes you’ll hear anywhere. But favor for underappreciated non-holiday music aside, Carly Rae has given hoi polloi yet another gem they probably don’t deserve, this time hidden in the form of a cover of Wham!’s truly iconic “Last Christmas”. But if the song is too twee for your liking, then consider moving on to…

“Wit It This Christmas” by Ariana Grande

I’ll hazard a guess that you’ve never heard a Christmas song that sounds as sexy as Ariana’s “Wit It This Christmas.” In fact, the EP that this track is on may very well be the sexiest sounding Christmas album ever made. But, sure, that’s just my opinion. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone out there said unironically that The Eagles’ “Please Come Home For Christmas” revved their engine. () At the very least, this is the sexiest sounding track I’ve ever listened to. Give it a figurative spin & see if you disagree. Just don’t @ me with your aggressive reaction to one blogger’s noncommittal assertion about a Christmas song because you should probably do something else more important instead.

“Stranger At the Table” by Jeremih & Chance the Rapper

Because I’d be breaking my self-enforced rule of not sharing popular songs if I included Jackson 5’s “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” on here, I decided to give the old school quintet at bottom a nod by sharing a track that samples them. The superstar status of the duo’s members alone should get your attention, to say nothing of the fact that they came together for a Christmas mixtape. It’s literal . I need say no more.

“Puppies Are Forever” by Sia

I’m not sure whose idea it was to sneak pro-PETA propaganda into what’s supposed to be a feel-good tune for the season but it works for Sia. Color me pleased.

“Christmas Tree (feat. Space Cowboy)” by Lady Gaga

When I said that you’ve never heard a Christmas song as sexy as Ariana Grande’s “Wit It This Christmas,” I wasn’t exactly telling the whole truth. My equivocation comes from the fact that one of Lady Gaga’s forays into the world of Christmas music is almost pearl-clutchingly raunchy, if one pays attention to the lyrics. Without words, however, the song would sound like a decent albeit unpolished banger by a SoundCloud DJ. That being said, you might very well end up texting “u up?” to your Santa baby after Gaga infiltrates your unconscious brain with her suggestions for making “good cheer” this year.

“Favorite Things” by John Coltrane

If you want to class up your Christmas, look no further than John Coltrane cover the Rodgers & Hammerstein classic with his sultry, scintillating soprano sax. This is the song that would be playing as you enter an underground speakeasy that requires a password like “epicure” for admittance—a place swathed in velvet & smoke, & packed with the coolest-looking assortment of people you’ve ever seen gathered in such a tiny radius, all of whom holding cocktail glasses so deftly that you might think they were born with martinis in hand. At the very least, it’s a song that’ll provide momentary relief from the overplayed carols that’ve been blatting nonstop on every adult contemporary radio station since the last kid to go trick-or-treating finally changed out from his overpriced superhero costume.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You (SuperFestive!)” by Mariah Carey feat. Justin Bieber

OK, FINE—I couldn’t help but to include what is perhaps the definitive song of the season, though it’s not exactly like the original. On this “SuperFestive!” version, you might hear a voice that you were too cowardly to admit was actually pretty good until Skrillex made a “dolphin” out of it. Yes, I’m talking about Justin Bieber, and it’s 2017—it’s OK to like him now, so you can stop virtue signalling your disdain for him & just enjoy the song as you sip on your spiked eggnog. Mariah will thank you later for the percentage of a cent you just added to her bejeweled coffers.

All I want for Christmas is a nap tbh,

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On Surviving Holiday Parties

You might’ve been invited to a few Christmas parties by now, hosted by various frenemies, co-workers, & acquaintances of acquaintances you met like one time who managed somehow to get your number & invited you to a random Christmas party.

With the better of such parties comes eggnog that isn’t for the kids, among other adult beverages that make going out in the cold, wearing scratchy ugly sweaters, & hearing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” for what seems like the fourteenth time in a row a little less intolerable.

But one too many hot toddies in, & you may very well end up on your boss’s naughty list, which lets her know who will be getting the present of a pink slip this year. And unless Aunt Verna left you a fund that can be drawn on, being jobless isn’t cute, despite how much fun not doing work is. Short of skipping all the parties & making yourself look like a misanthrope (& probably not in a hot way like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause), there are a few rules you should take note of now & keep in mind as you try to hold a conversation with someone whose name you can’t remember.

Arrive early to leave early.

If you’re not thrilled about attending a particular party then make sure you’re not there still when the area under the mistletoe gets handsy. Sufficient is the reason that you’ve “been here since 5” to justify a premature retreat. Even though some embarrassment might accompany an early arrival (especially if the host is anything like you & thus still getting everything ready), only dirty looks will follow a late departure. Besides, you could always offer to help a little & gain favor-coins that you can cash in when you’re delivering earlier-than-expected adieus.

Have an escape plan for the dullards.

The people who say that everyone is interesting obviously have only ever conversed with members of Time’s “Most Influential” lists. #sorrynotsorry but some rando’s vinyl-friendly home audio setup isn’t as cool as she thinks it is. If any philistines should block your path with their tedious takes on TV shows only available in bootleg form, be ready to talk over-excitedly about your own favorite pastime. You might just scare away the meek narcissist if you’re too intense & self-absorbed for the other’s comfort. Alternatively, you could just play the tried & true “I’ve got to take this” game. Regardless of your plan, you should have one ready to deploy lest you get stuck hearing about the wild & wonderful world of yarn.

Don’t overindulge.

I don’t need to explain myself here. At the very least, eat enough food before & during the party to ensure that you don’t go home way too sleighed.

Just enjoy yourself.

Life can be a constant series of weird, new, scary, exciting events, so long as you make an effort to venture away from the well-worn grooves of habits you track day in & out. Not every event will be as splendid as a “royal wedding” but not every event should be written off for not being regal. At least one party might be a genuine opportunity to interact with new people & simply have fun. And who knows? You might very well end up meeting your next Santa baby.

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time,

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